How To Save Your Marriage
When you find yourself in conflict with your spouse, do you know how to be a peacemaker?
I submit to you a conflict that results in a “winner” and a “loser” is not a conflict that is worth the emotional and financial resources for either of you. Rather, I suggest you would be better served to resolve the conflict early and in a way that both of you can accept the result.
Resolving conflicts effectively will save your marriage.
You will save your marriage by developing peace making skills.
A “war chest” is a way to save your resources for war. I turn around the concept of a war chest, and suggest you build a “peace chest”. Building a peace chest is a decision to focus on teamwork, problem solving, and interest-based negotiation rather than threats or power. A strong peace chest promotes harmony, encourages self-empowerment, and provides for healing.
Peacemaking is not easy; it requires a shift in thinking from our learned way of thinking about conflict. This shift in thinking is called a paradigm shift, and it must be remembered throughout the conflict.
I once had a client in my law practice, and we were coming close to settling her case. She knew somewhere within herself she was making a smart decision to settle. She was having a difficult time, however, with the outcome. She knew she wasn’t getting everything she had originally wanted, and that made her feel like she was “losing”. She was complaining about that at the time we were settling her case when one of my paralegals said to her, “Is your husband getting everything he wants?”
Just posing that question made our client reconsider her viewpoint. She realized both of them had made concessions. Neither one of them had “won” and neither one of them had “lost” in the way she originally defined those terms. She was now able to satisfactorily redefine those terms so winning meant she could stop paying an attorney, she knew what her obligations would be, she could stop stressing over the unknown, and she could move on with her personal healing.
That was when she had her paradigm shift.
Build your peace chest by:
Develop your skills by:
I submit to you a conflict that results in a “winner” and a “loser” is not a conflict that is worth the emotional and financial resources for either of you. Rather, I suggest you would be better served to resolve the conflict early and in a way that both of you can accept the result.
Resolving conflicts effectively will save your marriage.
You will save your marriage by developing peace making skills.
A “war chest” is a way to save your resources for war. I turn around the concept of a war chest, and suggest you build a “peace chest”. Building a peace chest is a decision to focus on teamwork, problem solving, and interest-based negotiation rather than threats or power. A strong peace chest promotes harmony, encourages self-empowerment, and provides for healing.
Peacemaking is not easy; it requires a shift in thinking from our learned way of thinking about conflict. This shift in thinking is called a paradigm shift, and it must be remembered throughout the conflict.
I once had a client in my law practice, and we were coming close to settling her case. She knew somewhere within herself she was making a smart decision to settle. She was having a difficult time, however, with the outcome. She knew she wasn’t getting everything she had originally wanted, and that made her feel like she was “losing”. She was complaining about that at the time we were settling her case when one of my paralegals said to her, “Is your husband getting everything he wants?”
Just posing that question made our client reconsider her viewpoint. She realized both of them had made concessions. Neither one of them had “won” and neither one of them had “lost” in the way she originally defined those terms. She was now able to satisfactorily redefine those terms so winning meant she could stop paying an attorney, she knew what her obligations would be, she could stop stressing over the unknown, and she could move on with her personal healing.
That was when she had her paradigm shift.
Build your peace chest by:
- Relying upon and developing a community of professional assistance
- Developing your own skills in the areas of listening, negotiation, creative thinking, brainstorming, tolerance, honesty, teamwork, and health and exercise.
Develop your skills by:
- Attending conflict management programs
- Reading books
- Watching videos
- Reading blogs, articles, and newsletters