What If My Spouse Won't Agree We Should Divorce?
Over the years, I have received many emails similar to this one: "I want to go through with a divorce in a cooperative way. The problem is my husband refuses to accept I want a divorce. He insists we can work things out. I'm 100% sure divorce is what's best for us."
Of course, this person is wondering what options they have to move forward with a cooperative divorce. A noncommittal response like that can be incredibly frustrating. One thing is for sure: if one spouse wants a divorce, a divorce is happening. The other spouse can't stop the divorce from moving forward. The question becomes will it be an amicable divorce or a litigated divorce.
You do not have to start the divorce process by filing in court if you are trying to settle your case. You do have options for working on a settlement without having to immediately file a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage in court.
However, I have to explain to this person if you are ready to proceed with the divorce and your spouse is refusing to move forward with a divorce, the only thing you can do to require them to respond is filing a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage. That process establishes deadlines and a procedure they shouldn't ignore.
Cooperative methods for divorce, like mediation and Collaborative Divorce, are all voluntary, so your spouse has to be agreeable to considering one of those methods. Unfortunately, if they're not, your divorce can become super expensive and highly conflicted quickly.
The following are the types of options I mean when I say “Cooperative Divorce”:
Here are some ideas for making your spouse aware you are serious about moving forward with a divorce, so they can give greater consideration to a cooperative divorce method:
Of course, this person is wondering what options they have to move forward with a cooperative divorce. A noncommittal response like that can be incredibly frustrating. One thing is for sure: if one spouse wants a divorce, a divorce is happening. The other spouse can't stop the divorce from moving forward. The question becomes will it be an amicable divorce or a litigated divorce.
You do not have to start the divorce process by filing in court if you are trying to settle your case. You do have options for working on a settlement without having to immediately file a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage in court.
However, I have to explain to this person if you are ready to proceed with the divorce and your spouse is refusing to move forward with a divorce, the only thing you can do to require them to respond is filing a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage. That process establishes deadlines and a procedure they shouldn't ignore.
Cooperative methods for divorce, like mediation and Collaborative Divorce, are all voluntary, so your spouse has to be agreeable to considering one of those methods. Unfortunately, if they're not, your divorce can become super expensive and highly conflicted quickly.
The following are the types of options I mean when I say “Cooperative Divorce”:
- You could review the documents together to see if a discussion leads to an agreement. (This many times has been called a “kitchen table divorce”)
- You can hire an attorney to guide you for your settlement discussions. The attorney can even negotiate for you.
- You and your spouse can both hire attorneys to negotiate for you. Those attorneys can communicate directly while you and your spouse stay on the side, or you can all four actively negotiate (the attorneys speaking directly while you and your spouse continue to discuss settlement terms as well). Typically, if all four of you are actively negotiating, you are going to do that at a “settlement conference”.
- You and your spouse could meet with a mediator. I explain mediation in greater detail at my mediation website FloridaMediationOnline. The important thing to understand is you can attend mediation without attorneys prior to filing. You can agree to hire attorneys to represent you at mediation, but that is not required to attend mediation.
Here are some ideas for making your spouse aware you are serious about moving forward with a divorce, so they can give greater consideration to a cooperative divorce method:
- Let your spouse know saving money and saving your family from destruction is your highest priority. That you prefer to work together in a cooperative manner. That you prefer to control the fate of your family together rather than have a Judge do it for you.
- Consider getting help from a therapist. The therapist can help you work through the emotions, role-play the discussion, or even facilitate the conversation about divorce.
- Have an open, honest, and compassionate conversation. Be clear you are unhappy in your marriage and don't want to attempt (or continue to attempt) marriage counseling. Be clear about your decision. Be clear there is no hope of a reconciliation and don't give a mixed message. This type of dialogue can help your spouse accept the reality of the impending divorce.
- Remember that your spouse may need more time to process your desire for a divorce. You've had time to think about it and make your decision. Your spouse may be caught by surprise, or even shocked. Even if they know there have been problems, they may not be ready to accept the marriage is over.